Thursday, September 8, 2011

Books, Books, Books

Jumbled...
How can my shelves look like such an ugly jumbled mess when this looks so great
all jumbled?
I have a room with two walls of built in bookcases.
I have lots of books....my shelves are filled to the brim with books I must keep.
faux books in a nook

Not only are my books a jumble; my thoughts are a jumble.
I know I said I'd attempt to get back to blogging. Easier said, than done.
I'm having a very hard time.
I don't care about anything at the moment.
I hate all. I hate everything in my house right now.
I don't see the point to anything. 

I want so desperately to be happy again but don't see how that can ever be possible.

I used to love the quiet and darkness of the night in my little home and now I dread it.

Rationally, I know I must move forward...but how do I make my heart and mind do that?

I know fake it till you make it.

But I don't have energy for the effort.

The weather is gorgeous here...finally and it only adds to my depression.
Oh...if only I could see him romp in the backyard on a beautiful day, again.
I miss him so....

I cannot pretend I don't.

35 comments:

jeanette from everton terrace said...

I have just returned from vacation and feel now I have missed something very important - going to go scroll through your posts and see what has happened. I'm very sorry to hear you are so low.

BEACH BUNGALOW said...

Nita,

Just give yourself permission to hurt for as long as you need to. It will pass when it runs its course. Faking or forcing it just adds to the conflict.

Trust me, I`ve been there ... more than once.

Love and good vibes,

Sue
xo

Suesan said...

Hi Nita,

I lost my beloved Heidi back in 2007 and I still miss her. She was the doggy love of my life and my sweet little companion when I was going through some debilitating depression. You are in mourning and it is hard to get excited for things when your heart aches. I know people will want to tell you it's just a pet, but those of us who have loved and lost a fur friend/child, know that the grief you feel is the same as for any loved one. I'm sorry you are hurting and hope you can focus on the fur friends you still have. It will get easier. You have such a beautiful sense of style and your blog brings a bit of joy to my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lynn said...

You don't have to pretend you don't miss Newman. It is okay to be sad. It means he touched your heart. Just remember you do have your other kids who need you. Thinking of you and sending you great big hugs.

LeAnn said...

You have suffered a great loss Nita, you have to give yourself time to grieve and cry and just feel sad! Sometimes it helps to start thanking God for bringing sweet Newman into your life. He gave you so much joy that you would have otherwise not have had. I know it's hard....I remember! Don't be hard on yourself, it's ok, one day you will be able to enjoy sunshine again:)

xo

Elaine @ Sunny Simple Life said...

You poor thing. My heart aches for you. Have you thought of getting a new puppy? When we lost our beloved lab suddenly, we went out and got a new pup the next week. I just couldn't stand it. It really helped the kids and I to have something fun to focus on and really helped us to move forward after our loss. I hope you feel better.

Tammy@Beatrice Banks said...

You've never been one to pretend. I love you for that.

Sherri B. said...

I have been right where you are, saying these same words and my heart aches for you right now. You are suffering a great loss and this is the process of healing, I think faking it might not be a good idea...unless you have to deal with the public in some way. You will blog again but you must get well first, like a bad illness, it takes time to get all of your strength back...like getting plenty of sleep and being good to yourself. I'm sorry for going on and on. xxoo...xxoo!!!

Amy @MaisonDecor said...

Hi Nita, I know we spoke and you mentioned how many who had been through the same thing thought a new pup would help...and I know times are tough money wise right now...so I had an idea! What about if you set up a New Puppy Fund on the blog and people could donate to it? Maybe by Christmas you would be able to get a new puppy to share the new year with...

Crystal Rose Cottage said...

Grief is a process and it comes in stages..not so helpful to hear but it is true. Everyone is different in how they react to it but you just have to have faith that you will come through it and feel better. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling. One day at a time!~Hugs, Patti

An Urban Cottage said...

I don't know if a new puppy would help but if it would, I would help. When I lost a cat several years ago unexpectedly, it really affected me for months. I thought I would change my life and live every day with purpose. I took days off to make trips to Vermont just to go antiquing, I took the ferry to Martha's Vineyard just to see a place I had never been to before. I found that doing that helped, if only for a day, I was living my life in a way I hadn't been previously. That one little cat that I missed so much made me live my life differently, made me experience and appreciate something new and it seems to give his life a lot more purpose.

I'm getting teary just thinking about it so it shows the pain never really goes away but it gets put away after awhile so you can focus on other things.

Why not consider hopping in your car tomorrow and doing something you've never done before, or go somewhere you've always wanted to go and have never made the time? It will help give Newman's life a purpose. He gives you permission to experience somthing new and you'll appreciate it. I promise.

Cozy Little House said...

You shouldn't pretend. That is just prolonging the inevitable. Perhaps a little jaunt out of town? Maybe just a day trip?
Brenda

Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas said...

Nita, sadly, this sort of thing takes time and it is painful! I also vote for a new puppy...it doesn't mean you don't still miss Newman like crazy, but it does give you something to focus on...it really did help me and I did not think it would...

I would contribute!

Lou Cinda

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I beg of you to fight the despair, for the other dogs, for you mom, for yourself. Some years ago, I had the dog of a lifetime, Nick. My Dad and I went to dog shows together, researched breeders and found his breeders. He was our dog until Dad died. I had Nick for 6 more years. He died at the groomer. I have never felt so alone. My mother died a little more than a month later. The guilt was horiffic. Nick's breeders let me have Cassie. She was an older dog with hip problems. She choose me as her human. She saved me. Perhaps you can find a dog that needs you. Your other three need you also. Please fight so that you do not loose yourself.

One Crowded House said...

I was in a dark place a year ago- not because of a loss, but just being overwhelmed brought on panic attacks and anxiety.

Take baby steps.... and breath.... in and out.... in and out.

You are lovely and you are loved!

lisa said...

You know what Nita, it's OK to be sad for awhile. It is part of the grieving process and it can't be cut short. Keep the faith that you will return to normal in your own good time. You can and will do it.
Hugs,
Lisa

susiedrkins said...

Nita, bless your heart! You are allowed to be upset and hate everything right now, and I think you're doing a great job posting! Just going through the motions is a healthy, positive thing, and your posts have been creative and lovely (not seeming going-through-the-motions-y at all). It makes perfect sense that you feel the way you do. So many prayers are being lifted in your name, and so much positive energy is being sent your way during this terrible time. I'm praying right now for a moment of peace and comfort for your head, mind, and heart. Take good care of yourself, please, and keep in mind that professional counseling can be a great help - even if it feel like it's pointless right now, it's a positive step that can be very helpful when and if you're up for it.

Patrice said...

Nita, I lost my Sherman (15yr old mini doxie) the week before you lost Newman. I my heart aches for you..I'm feeling much the same as you...not a day hasn't gone by that I have not cried. Everyone says it will get easier. I hope it helps to know that others understand. I'm sending heartfelt wishes out into the universe that we both find our smiles again.

Modern Country Lady said...

Nita, I am so sorry and I send you loads of hugs.It took me really a long time last year to get over my fabulous and much loved Harris ( a spanile cross) passing on, and I would have really bad days like you are having now.Look after yourself as though you would look after a good friend.Cry, then make yourself a cup of tea. Rest, and don't give yourself a hard time.Be kind to yourself. I think of you and Newman often when I walk my dogs ( yes I do) - and am so grateful I now have two new little doggies in my life, but I can vividly remember the pain and sadness of losing Harris - but I also knewat the time I needed to cry and mourn and wait and not have a new dog straight away.Remember, if you would not be sad you never really loved Newman that much.Pain and sadness is the price we pay for loving a creature or human or dog or cat because one day we will lose them, but Newman also loved you very much - and you can never take that love or those memories away.Wrap that around your heart like a warm cocoon and blanket for yourself!! XOXO
Bea

Anonymous said...

One day at a time, Nita, just one day at a time. And if that is too overwhelming --------- one minute or one hour at a time. It is okay to be sad. Give yourself permission to be sad and grieve. There will be better days ahead but first things first! Hugs and happy thoughts to you! Jana in Texas

The enchanted home said...

Nita I now see you lost your best friend. I am so very sorry and send you a great big hug. There are no words that can change your sadness, I only hope that with time the memories you have of your time together will help bring you comfort. I have found that pictures and memories are a wonderful and at times comforting link to a lost loved one. Be well....and may you soon be feeling a little better:)

designchic said...

Love the bookcase images...wonderful. Hope you can find peace soon, and know that we are all thinking of you...warm hugs ~

Debby said...

Hi
Nita. I agree with Brenda......you need a change of scenery.....even a day trip or a drive somewhere. Maybe even a trip to the pound, animal shelter or pet store. Seeing those babies at the pet store can make you smile. I would never buy one there but maybe just to play with them for a little while. I don't think that will make you miss him more. I enjoyed it when our Matty died.
Still so worried about our Yorkie. She just isn't getting better.
((((((HUGS))))

NanaDiana said...

Nita- I say grieve it out...and you will give it over when you are ready. One day you will find yourself with a smile on your face again and realize that you have passed one of the hardest tests we must ever endure. Losing someone you love....xo Diana

Mary MG said...

Please don't pretend. That will not help you at all. I don't think you should run out and get another dog. Wait, and it will happen when the time is right. Please, please take your time. I know that it is hard. I lost Clare, the very best cat in the world. She was 21 years old but that still wasn't long enough for me to love her. I just wanted to talk to her and pet her one more time.I would have done anything to see her one more time. That was 10 years ago, and I still miss her terribly. Please, take your time to heal.

oldblackcatboo said...

Nita, I've been reading everyone's comments and they are SO RIGHT.
You have to grieve at your own pace and you can't pretend that you don't hurt. When I lost my Maddie, my Golden, I thought I would never recover. It was really hard given the fact that I work at a vet clinic. There were many times I had to run off and cry when a "red" Golden came in that reminded me of her. I had other dogs at home too but that didn't help. Then I was given a tiny little Brussels Griffon/Papillon mix and she was so different that it helped heal my heart a tiny bit.
When my little old cat "Boo" passed away, no one understood why I grieved so much. It was like losing Maddie again, and now her best friend too. It's the worst part of loving and having pets but like that Garth Brooks song said - "you could have missed the pain but you have had to miss the dance"
please try to remember the happiness you shared and know that he would want you to be happy again. You don't have to pretend but I think if you turned your focus onto a puppy (I would donate) or start doing something different. Going to free activities, an art gallery, volunteering, maybe turning Harvey into a therapy dog and taking him to hospitals and nursing homes...
I wish I had a "magic" happy pill to give you but know we are all here to support you. You are stronger than you think. You can do it.
XOXO - Cindi

Taylor Greenwalt said...

I will be praying for you and hope you will be feeling better soon.

Ricki Jill Treleaven said...

*love*

I love this post, because I love books (I am like a dragon).
I love your home because it is *drop dead* gorgeous.
I love your kind, loving heart because you are grieving over your precious Newman.
I love the fact that you feel comfortable enough to share your grief with your readers.

We love you, Nita!

Sending prayers your way!!!

xoxoxo,
Ricki Jill

Claudia said...

I just wanted to say that I understand. When our Winston died several years ago, I was devastated. And I now realize that I went into a depression for several months. I couldn't feel happy. I couldn't stop thinking of him and wondering if he was 'somewhere' where he was loved and happy. I desperately wanted him to visit me in some form. You can't rush the grieving process.

Everyone handles it differently. Some immediately go out and get another dog. We already had one other dog and I couldn't bear the thought of replacing Winston so quickly. It was at least a year and a half until we were ready to adopt another dog. You'll know when it's right.

Claudia said...

I wanted to add two things:

Do what feels right to you. If staying home and grieving feels right, then do it.

Also - when I lost Winston, I got irritated whenever I heard a ' they are like our children' comment, though well meaning. I politely replied, "No, they are not like my children, they ARE my children." There's a difference.

I worked for a Vet for several years and know how deeply people love their beloved pets. And everyone handles that loss differently.

Natasha in Oz said...

My book shelves are messy and disheveled too...how I wish I could make them look this gorgeous!

Best wishes and hope you have a great weekend,
Natasha.

Trisha Brink Design said...

Nita, I LOVE all the book photos! My fave is the books in the fire place! Still sayin' little prayers for you...everytime I look at my little Olive I think of you. Wishing you a lovely weekend filled with joyful simple things to get you through! :)
T.
xx

HollyM said...

Nita, it was well over a year, after my mother died, that my very first thought every morning wasn't "My mother is dead." It was so horrible.

Things will change. Slowly. Gradually. You won't notice at first. But it will happen. There will come a day when you can remember Newman without overwhelming pain.

In the meantime, come here and tell us how you feel. Write it. We will listen. We promise. And maybe, just maybe, it will help the hurt.

Keeping you, Jamie, and Shelly in my prayers.

Laura said...

The part of this post all about books has been my favorite post in a long time.
The aprt about feeling lost and alone, I can empathizse with that as well, but of course that is not pleasant to hear.
I am not one to say run out and get a new companion too soon. You need time to grieve and work on focusing on the good times and happy memories. You do not want to compare a new dog to someone who held such an important place in your heart. That is not good or fair to either of you.

Christy said...

hi Nita so sorry for your loss, dachsies have a way of burrowing into our hearts like they do under blankies. Love on your other babies and they will help you heal!

 
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